I don’t know about you guys, but I have vivid dreams pretty much every night. Sometimes I wake up with complete memory of the dreams. Other nights, the dreams lurk just beyond reach, simultaneously elusive and present.

what are you trying to tell me

When I began my baking career in Vermont, I had baking nightmares almost every single night. Something was always burning in the oven, usually scones or croissants. The dream felt so real that I would find myself out of my bed, standing in front of a dresser with the drawer open, peering into the dark to check on the scones. There’s nothing like waking up, neck craning forward looking deep into your underwear drawer to realize you just might be taking things a bit too seriously.

but it matters to me

I try to understand the meaning of my dreams and feel pretty certain that they are the ‘daily specials’ made up of leftover angst and current interactions. The course in college that I signed up for, never attended the lectures, and am destined to fail. The classroom I cannot find. The need to run, and the inability to make my legs move. Trying to get into my room, or pick up my mail, and forgetting the code to grant me access.

shame & failure

However, I will take a college or baking nightmare any day over an eating disorder dream. These feel so hauntingly real that they linger throughout the day in the back of my mind. Even though I have physically and emotionally moved past these demons, I am left with residue I cannot ‘reason’ away enough during my waking hours to impact what happens at night.

it’s time for change

As dark and painful as some of my dreams are, I have also had incredible dreams where I have wings and fly. One of my favorite flying dreams left me floating on puffy clouds in a blue sky. I dream of the ocean, of boats, of floating, the waves gently carrying me forward toward sunshine. I dream of the forest, shaded trails lined with trees and enveloped in deep peace. My legs finally work and I move with ease.

gratitude

I guess what matters most is to understand and believe that not all nights will be consumed by nightmares. That there is always good mixed in with the uncomfortable and the scary. That even things that are out of our control can lead to extraordinary places.

never give up on hope